"Has Access To Reindeer"

A Pamphlet: “So You’ve Decided To Start Taking Pamphlets…”

(Or How To Crush Your Inner Worm and Make People Your Private Playthings!)*

Dr. Waterloo Jacobs is one of society’s big winners – let him tell you why!

There are two types of people in this world: winners - and walking aborted chimp-fetuses like you.

If you’re reading this pamphlet, you’ve probably checked out of the transient hotel of possibility that you will ever become a success under your own steam.

Christ. You’re already the kind of person who takes pamphlets from people titled: “So You’ve Decided To Start Taking Pamphlets.” We’re not talking about Donald Trump here, are we? Donald Chump, maybe.

If you’re young, you’ve just realized you haven’t been dealt a great hand, leg, face or any other normal feature of the human species your genetically malnourished sack of arse and lips tries to mimic.

If you’re old, you’ve just figured out you’ve been piddling your life away on a children’s teacup ride of pathetic sexual encounters and half-attempted DIY projects.

I can picture you now: scrambling for coins on the floor of a pub toilet, begging the cashier at Ladbrokes to drop the bet limit below 50p so you can put a wager on the outcome of X Factor.

People like you make me sick.

And being sick is a sign of weakness. Weakness also makes me sick. So you make me sick twice over, once for inhaling your compounded stench of failure and once for how you make me feel by proxy.

God, how I loathe you.

But whilst I may be successful, popular and sexually appreciated - I’m not heartless. I understand your situation completely, even if it disgusts me. You are all victims of your own nature.

“But just why am I so feckless?” I hear you scream.

Easy, now.

You have a social syndrome called “Worm Status” and everyone else can read it on your hooded, sniveling little face. And they don’t like what they’re reading. What they’re reading isn’t The Firm by John Grisham, which is an excellent read.

What Is “Worm Status?”

Worm Status was first identified by Swedish psychiatrist Henrik Worm in 1951, when he was buying crayfish for an upcoming Kräftskiva. He realised that that Johan the village fishmonger would instinctively give the juiciest crayfish for those with a “high” status (town officials, priests) and leave the wimpiest offerings for those with lower statuses (village idiots, poets). He never named this phenomenon, but as he died penniless and alone, face down in a bowl of his own sloshing tears, it was posthumously named after him.

How can you tell if you have Worm Status?

It’s easy. Take a look at these pictorial examples of the difference “High” and “Worm” Status.

“High” Status:

Note the effervescent success radiating from every winning pore. Chosen men, every one.

“Worm” Status:

Note the impending sense of doom and pleading stare. Need I say more? Vomit.

Look familiar? Then I think we both know which one you are.

The first step to recovery, is identifying your “slug quotient”. Answer these questions truthfully:

1. In social situations, do strangers seem to always identify you as a good target for jokes and effortlessly slide into a bullying gang-pack mentality, less than a minute after you’ve introduced yourself and taken your coat off?

2. Men: Do haggard and derelict-faced old women finger rape alarms when they spy you walking down the street? Even though you have no intention of forcing your person on their rattling bones?

3. After sex, is the first thing you say: “How can I put this right?”

4. Is it usually to yourself?

5. When you apply for a loan does the bank manager pretend you’re invisible, because in his eyes you have as much financial presence as a wafting ghost-fart?; and does he then phone through to his manager and request a séance to ask if you’d be interested in opening an ISA better suited to 500-year old Spanish Doubloons? Whilst barely containing his jubilant, smirking mirth?

6. Do you often catch yourself curled up naked in front of a floor mirror, staring into your own sunken eyes and whispering with spat-out defeat, the mantra: “This is not working… This is not working…” as you rock backwards and forwards and hug yourself?

If your answers to these questions was “Yes, dear God! Please save me from my own hardwired failure!” Then, congratulations: you are a Worm.

How Can I Cure Myself of Worm Status?

You can’t. The condition isn’t curable, you worm. But with the right range of books, training workshops and DVDs, it is manageable.

How Can I Pretend I Am Better Than My Own Nature Allows Me To Be?

Buy my books, attend my training workshops and watch my DVDs.

What Can I Expect When I Start Treating My Condition With Your Powerful Behavioral-Modification Products?

Immediate results, at affordable prices. To give you a taster of what to expect from my “behavior de-spastication programme” here are some top tips on how to use hand gestures to make others bend to your will.

Key “Power” Hand Gestures

Body language is the key way to dominate, worms. In meetings and negotiations with people who are obviously your superior, learn to identify and counter the following hand gestures designed to assert superiority over you and your views:

“The Haggling Jew” – I’m pretending to try and compromise on my views, but I’m really just getting everything I want because I’m tightfisted.

“The Berlin Wall” – Your ideas are denied passage to my side of the wall and any ideas attempting to cross will be chased onto barbed wire by dogs and machine gunned to death.

“Bergerac” – I am a close-knit community on an island, your ideas are not welcome here.

“Pierrepoint’s Reprieve” – I’m finally ready to listen to your redundant suggestions, as long as you know it’s too late to put any of them into affect.

“The Chapel” – means literally, open up honey: it’s our wedding night and your ideas are about to get destroyed!

These hand gestures are often used in conjunction with the following "Power Body Poses": The Submission of the Lamb, Mutually Assured Destruction, Her First Day At School.

Remember: Decode, Block and Retort. Touché, worms!

How Can I Buy The Complete Worm Status Treatment Programme?

Like most successful medical treatments, you won’t be able to get it on the NHS because they are a corrupt mafia of liars in the pockets of pharmaceutical companies. Please send a blank, signed cheque to PO Box 112, London, WC1A 2UE and I will put the correct amount.

* Not a pyramid-selling scheme as such, but if you told two friends and they told two more, I’d be grateful.