"Has Access To Reindeer"

A Pamphlet: “So You’ve Decided To Start Taking Pamphlets…”

(Or How To Crush Your Inner Worm and Make People Your Private Playthings!)*

Dr. Waterloo Jacobs is one of society’s big winners – let him tell you why!

There are two types of people in this world: winners - and walking aborted chimp-fetuses like you.

If you’re reading this pamphlet, you’ve probably checked out of the transient hotel of possibility that you will ever become a success under your own steam.

Christ. You’re already the kind of person who takes pamphlets from people titled: “So You’ve Decided To Start Taking Pamphlets.” We’re not talking about Donald Trump here, are we? Donald Chump, maybe.

If you’re young, you’ve just realized you haven’t been dealt a great hand, leg, face or any other normal feature of the human species your genetically malnourished sack of arse and lips tries to mimic.

If you’re old, you’ve just figured out you’ve been piddling your life away on a children’s teacup ride of pathetic sexual encounters and half-attempted DIY projects.

I can picture you now: scrambling for coins on the floor of a pub toilet, begging the cashier at Ladbrokes to drop the bet limit below 50p so you can put a wager on the outcome of X Factor.

People like you make me sick.

And being sick is a sign of weakness. Weakness also makes me sick. So you make me sick twice over, once for inhaling your compounded stench of failure and once for how you make me feel by proxy.

God, how I loathe you.

But whilst I may be successful, popular and sexually appreciated - I’m not heartless. I understand your situation completely, even if it disgusts me. You are all victims of your own nature.

“But just why am I so feckless?” I hear you scream.

Easy, now.

You have a social syndrome called “Worm Status” and everyone else can read it on your hooded, sniveling little face. And they don’t like what they’re reading. What they’re reading isn’t The Firm by John Grisham, which is an excellent read.

What Is “Worm Status?”

Worm Status was first identified by Swedish psychiatrist Henrik Worm in 1951, when he was buying crayfish for an upcoming Kräftskiva. He realised that that Johan the village fishmonger would instinctively give the juiciest crayfish for those with a “high” status (town officials, priests) and leave the wimpiest offerings for those with lower statuses (village idiots, poets). He never named this phenomenon, but as he died penniless and alone, face down in a bowl of his own sloshing tears, it was posthumously named after him.

How can you tell if you have Worm Status?

It’s easy. Take a look at these pictorial examples of the difference “High” and “Worm” Status.

“High” Status:

Note the effervescent success radiating from every winning pore. Chosen men, every one.

“Worm” Status:

Note the impending sense of doom and pleading stare. Need I say more? Vomit.

Look familiar? Then I think we both know which one you are.

The first step to recovery, is identifying your “slug quotient”. Answer these questions truthfully:

1. In social situations, do strangers seem to always identify you as a good target for jokes and effortlessly slide into a bullying gang-pack mentality, less than a minute after you’ve introduced yourself and taken your coat off?

2. Men: Do haggard and derelict-faced old women finger rape alarms when they spy you walking down the street? Even though you have no intention of forcing your person on their rattling bones?

3. After sex, is the first thing you say: “How can I put this right?”

4. Is it usually to yourself?

5. When you apply for a loan does the bank manager pretend you’re invisible, because in his eyes you have as much financial presence as a wafting ghost-fart?; and does he then phone through to his manager and request a séance to ask if you’d be interested in opening an ISA better suited to 500-year old Spanish Doubloons? Whilst barely containing his jubilant, smirking mirth?

6. Do you often catch yourself curled up naked in front of a floor mirror, staring into your own sunken eyes and whispering with spat-out defeat, the mantra: “This is not working… This is not working…” as you rock backwards and forwards and hug yourself?

If your answers to these questions was “Yes, dear God! Please save me from my own hardwired failure!” Then, congratulations: you are a Worm.

How Can I Cure Myself of Worm Status?

You can’t. The condition isn’t curable, you worm. But with the right range of books, training workshops and DVDs, it is manageable.

How Can I Pretend I Am Better Than My Own Nature Allows Me To Be?

Buy my books, attend my training workshops and watch my DVDs.

What Can I Expect When I Start Treating My Condition With Your Powerful Behavioral-Modification Products?

Immediate results, at affordable prices. To give you a taster of what to expect from my “behavior de-spastication programme” here are some top tips on how to use hand gestures to make others bend to your will.

Key “Power” Hand Gestures

Body language is the key way to dominate, worms. In meetings and negotiations with people who are obviously your superior, learn to identify and counter the following hand gestures designed to assert superiority over you and your views:

“The Haggling Jew” – I’m pretending to try and compromise on my views, but I’m really just getting everything I want because I’m tightfisted.

“The Berlin Wall” – Your ideas are denied passage to my side of the wall and any ideas attempting to cross will be chased onto barbed wire by dogs and machine gunned to death.

“Bergerac” – I am a close-knit community on an island, your ideas are not welcome here.

“Pierrepoint’s Reprieve” – I’m finally ready to listen to your redundant suggestions, as long as you know it’s too late to put any of them into affect.

“The Chapel” – means literally, open up honey: it’s our wedding night and your ideas are about to get destroyed!

These hand gestures are often used in conjunction with the following "Power Body Poses": The Submission of the Lamb, Mutually Assured Destruction, Her First Day At School.

Remember: Decode, Block and Retort. Touché, worms!

How Can I Buy The Complete Worm Status Treatment Programme?

Like most successful medical treatments, you won’t be able to get it on the NHS because they are a corrupt mafia of liars in the pockets of pharmaceutical companies. Please send a blank, signed cheque to PO Box 112, London, WC1A 2UE and I will put the correct amount.

* Not a pyramid-selling scheme as such, but if you told two friends and they told two more, I’d be grateful.

CABLEGATE.

Exclusive! Read this sensational collection of leaked governmental Tweets responding to today’s devastating revelations by Wikileaks:

28th November - 11.53am GMT

Wikileaks: @NYT @GuardianUK @LeFigaro @DerSpiegel @LeMonde @LePais I was thinking of calling it “Cablegate” – does that work for you? I was afraid it sounded like a brand of toothpaste for men who collect pictures of hogtied Japanese schoolgirls. We need something reasoned and impartial - what about Fuckingliarsgate? Or Apocalyptigate?

28th November – 1.24pm GMT

Wikileaks: Leak of 250,000 secret US embassy cables imminent. Please use hashtag #EVILCUNTSGATE to discuss. http://evilcuntsgate.wikileaks.org

Wikileaks: @NYT @GuardianUK @LeFigaro @DerSpiegel @LeMonde @LePais Sorted.

28th November – 1.25pm GMT

TheAdministration: @No_10 @Kremlin @TheInscrutiblePRC THE GIRLFRIEND HAS FOUND THE PORN DRAWER… Repeat, THE GIRLFRIEND HAS FOUND THE PORN DRAWER.

No_10: @TheAdministration @Kremlin @TheInscrutiblePRC Hallo, all! Right, I’ve created a Twitter account, now how do I update my profile image? At the moment there’s just this generic bird thing.

TheAdministration: @No_10 (Direct Message) Hey buddy! Glad you decided to see sense and joined the 21st Century. But let's keep “Gremlins” out of the loop, k?

No_10: @TheAdministration @Kremlin @TheInscrutiblePRC Roger, roger. Ruskies kept out in the cold, over. How do I send a private message?

TheAdministration: @No_10 Nevermind.

28th November - 4.29pm GMT

No_10: @TheAdministration @Kremlin @TheInscrutiblePRC OK, folks. These leaks make us all look bad. It’s PR Damage Limitation time. What we need to do is have a full and frank discussion with ourselves individually and consider the inconsiderable.

Kremlin: @No_10 @TheInscrutiblePRC @TheAdministration Balls to that. The time has come to act. These leaky fuckjugs have us all by the Mensheviks! To quell this tide, we must start killing people with umbrellas again. This is not so good for big business. This is only good for umbrella business.

TheInscrutiblePRC: @TheAdministration @No_10 @Kremlin Hey guys, watch this: BAM! hehehe

Wikileaks: UPDATE: Wikileaks server taken out by Denial of Service Attack originating from a server in China. #EVILCUNTSGATE

TheAdministration: @TheInscrutiblePRC Niiiiice lol :D

29th November – 7.50am GMT

Wikileaks: REVEALED: US Ambassador ordered by Washington to blank North Korea in the corridor at the UN and spread rumours in the canteen about Iran's internet explorer browsing history. #EVILCUNTSGATE

TehranasaurusRex: @Wikileaks Yeah. “Rumours” XD

NKoreaBadBoys1948: @TheAdministration The Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea finds all this deception disgusting. The mask has slipped and you are finally revealed for the duplicitous, corrupt imperialists that you are.

TheAdministration: @NKoreaBadBoys1948 Cram a cake in it North Korea. At least when we're lying, it's for honest reasons.

TheInscrutiblePRC: @NKoreaBadBoys1948 Yeah, give it a rest for once, North Korea.

29th November – 9.12am GMT

Wikileaks: REVEALED: The US has “no intention” of dismantling Guantanemo Bay and amending rendition practices - they’ve even had a secret underground 12-screen Cineplex installed; Abu Ghraib has been sold to a property developer to be converted into a theme park.

TheAdministration: @No_10 Shucks, there go my vacation plans. I was looking forward to having my photo taken with Lynndie England.

29th November – 9.48am GMT

Wikileaks: REVEALED: The “aid” in the US/North Korea “Nukes-4-Aid” disarmament program, is the final two seasons of Friends on DVD #EVILCUNTSGATE

NKoreaBadBoys1948: @TheAdministration Fantastic. Now we will never discover if Rachel and Joey “get it on”. Western Jizzhounds! You shall all taste my steel! :(

TheAdministration: @NKoreaBadBoys1948 You’ve been saying that for decades, North Korea. Time to put your money where your mouth is…. Oh yeah. You don’t have any because of all our sanctions. Pwned.

BanKiMoon: @TheAdministration @NKoreaBadBoys1948 Come on, there’s no need for this squabbling. Everybody basically wants the same thing. And anyway, the international community is agreed that Friends really went downhill in the last two seasons. International condemnation of Joey is probably greater still.

TheAdministration: @BanKiMoon Get lost, Ban Ki-moon. Don’t forget who the real Captain Fuck-You is around these parts. Annan knew the score, too.

KofiAndKream: @TheAdministration (Direct Message) Don’t drag me into this, babes x

29th November – 10.11am GMT

Wikileaks: REVEALED: 11,500-strong US diplomatic service an extension of US intelligence efforts to gather biometric data: arseprints of terrorist suspects and crude pencil rubbings of Hamas genitalia all harvested and kept for “private analysis” by Hilary Clinton.

Wikileaks: @NYT @Guardian @LeFigaro @DerSpiegel @LeMonde @LePais The Clintons are at it again. No smoke without fire, eh? lol

TheAdministration: @No_10 This could have been a lot worse. At least no-one discovered the truth about @JustinBieber

JustinBieber: @TheAdministration Hi! Thanks for the link to my page. Download my new single from iTunes and signup with MySpace to watch an exclusive interview! Thx, JBeebs xxxxx

TheAdministration: @JustinBieber I’m having problems decyphering your last transmission, Agent Nubile. Do not break cover again… And definitely do not ILL-KAY ASTRO-CAY ;)

29th November – 12.01am GMT

Wikileaks: REVEALED: UK forces in Afghanistan “severely hampered” by “lack of basic technological prowess.”

No_10: @TheAdministration I think I’m getting the hang of this Twitter lark now. Besides, someone just volunteered to help me set up my profile.

29th November – 12.04am GMT

No_10: PENIS ENLARGEMENT/MAIL ORDER VIAGRA - 100% REAL RESULTS GUARENTEED. CLICK HERE http://ie.grlyt.za

TheAdministration: @Kremlin @TheInscrutiblePRC I think we just lost the Brits.

***End of Leaking***

Kim's Top 5 Book & TV Tie-Ins At WH Smith This Christmas:

Gillian McKeith’s “I’m A Nutritionist, Get Me Merchandising Rights” – A bogus litigation training book and DVD by the UK’s premier libel dispensing nutritionist, Gillian McKeith (BSc NuTrit) with a bonus workout for your abs. (£49.99) Insititude for Optimum Nutrition Academic Press

The Faber Pop-Up Book of David Kelly’s Autopsy – Find out what really happened in this sexed-up report suitable for ages 3-11. Includes a life-size origami model of the dead UN weapons inspector which won’t take 45 minutes to deploy! (£16.99) Faber & Faber

Wonders of My Underpants – Photogenic TV physicist Brian Cox rotates the Hubble telescope towards his privates and takes us on a voyage through the many marvels of Y-Fronts, cotton briefs, boxer shorts and speedos. Perfect stocking filler for Dads who score high on the autism scale. (£24.99) BBC Worldwide

You’re Sired – Alan Sugar, star of BBC’s The Apprentice discusses his hilarious experiences with IVF and why his own childless impotence made Amstrad a virile prospect to sexually inexperienced investors. (£14.99) BBC Worldwide

The Hairy Bikers: A Dish Too Far – TV’s favourite pair of hirsute chefs wreak motorized havoc on middle-England and attempt to recapture their nomadic youth of gang-violence, by terrorizing a small parish community in Hertfordshire. Contains rape and over 100 recipes. (£19.99) BBC Worldwide

A Brief History of Videogames

Far from being flippant, beeping, coin-gulping, child-snatching, attention-sucking, digit-eroding, epileptic soul-vortexes, mankind has been playing videogames from the dawn of time.

From the mysterious side-scrolling cave paintings recently discovered in Africa showing a small Italian plumber jumping over barrels towards a big ape, to the coin-operated mayhem of Tom Brown’s School Days, to ground-breaking “issue” titles like Antiretroviral Bomber Man - games have always addressed the concerns of their age.

Emperor Nero famously created the world’s first beat-em-up, using a complicated system of pulleys and levers to make Christians kick each other to mushy giblets in the coliseum. To this day, as a mark of holy remembrance, followers of Christ will never unleash a dragon-punch or fireball unless in the company of other Christians or at a Christian-oriented urban youth outreach centre. For this reason, boxing referees are now paid to attend Sunday services and increasingly, fundraising cake sales are held to send parishioners to fight Guile on an US airbase (where discipline has laxed like a deflated sex-doll), hire M. Bison to give communion or pay Blanka to fix a leaking roof.

The word “game” first came into common usage in 1960, derived from the military term “wargames” when the Army of a developed nation annually practiced fighting a real war by invading France. The first electronic videogame showcased at Festival Of Britain in 1951 was Tennis Test Prog. #175847, programmed and played with a computer made out of a Labrador and some plates of tripe. So successful was this game amongst exhibition-goers, that the private sector immediately invested all of its money into tripe and Labradors, but failed to spot that it was the game element causing the enjoyment and not the individual dogs or cow guts. This caused all of Britain to simultaneously declare bankruptcy and it was forced to sell all the stationary in Whitehall and re-mortgage Wales.

For decades the world of computer gaming remained the preserve of lab-coat technicians with personality disorders. A brief foray into coin-operated insanity proved fruitless and nearly sounded the death-knell of gaming once and for all. Civil rights’ joystick-wigglers Malcolm X: Sniper School and Rosa Parks’ Segregated Bus Simulator ’55 were two notable exceptions during that hiatus of concentrated bum-bile, but it was only with the emergence of home computing that videogames forced their way into the homes of families while they were sleeping and held them hostage with their addictive level design, memorable characters and psychosis-inducing soundtracks.

Titles like 51 Squares Allowed Each, Falklands/Malvinas Ultimate Warrior, Myra Hindley Super Stareout, HRH Edward and The Harlot Mrs. Simpson, The Hundred Busy Hands of David Gilmore and Bring Back Hanging! came flooding into the hearts and minds and supermarkets of people everywhere. Videogames became the ultimate status symbol for a stereotypical 80s family of nasties. In order to pay for increasingly more elaborate and expensive graphics, children were often forced into prostitution from as young as six and in many cases, market-trading.

The giddy hedonism of the 80s succumbed to a more moderate tone, as the hangover of spending a decade playing games with the only playable characters being Huey Lewis and The News began to set in. The introduction of console gaming encouraged moderation rather than endless upgrading towards oblivion and dour-faced titles such as Live Within Your Means 64 (Pounds A Week) entered the mix. Political correctness paved the way for a slurry of games tackling real social issues and videogaming giants adjusted their parameters to include progressive programmers into their talent pool. During the 90s, videogamers were shocked by the frank depiction of Sonic The Anorexic Hedgehog; consoles were shipped with a hypodermic-needle controller as standard; and many gamers caught their first glimpse of a gay/interracial kiss between Luigi and Pac-Man.

Next Time: The rebirth of gaming continues for the soul-blighted dystopian noughties; key gaming moments throughout history.