CABLEGATE.

Exclusive! Read this sensational collection of leaked governmental Tweets responding to today’s devastating revelations by Wikileaks:

28th November - 11.53am GMT

Wikileaks: @NYT @GuardianUK @LeFigaro @DerSpiegel @LeMonde @LePais I was thinking of calling it “Cablegate” – does that work for you? I was afraid it sounded like a brand of toothpaste for men who collect pictures of hogtied Japanese schoolgirls. We need something reasoned and impartial - what about Fuckingliarsgate? Or Apocalyptigate?

28th November – 1.24pm GMT

Wikileaks: Leak of 250,000 secret US embassy cables imminent. Please use hashtag #EVILCUNTSGATE to discuss. http://evilcuntsgate.wikileaks.org

Wikileaks: @NYT @GuardianUK @LeFigaro @DerSpiegel @LeMonde @LePais Sorted.

28th November – 1.25pm GMT

TheAdministration: @No_10 @Kremlin @TheInscrutiblePRC THE GIRLFRIEND HAS FOUND THE PORN DRAWER… Repeat, THE GIRLFRIEND HAS FOUND THE PORN DRAWER.

No_10: @TheAdministration @Kremlin @TheInscrutiblePRC Hallo, all! Right, I’ve created a Twitter account, now how do I update my profile image? At the moment there’s just this generic bird thing.

TheAdministration: @No_10 (Direct Message) Hey buddy! Glad you decided to see sense and joined the 21st Century. But let's keep “Gremlins” out of the loop, k?

No_10: @TheAdministration @Kremlin @TheInscrutiblePRC Roger, roger. Ruskies kept out in the cold, over. How do I send a private message?

TheAdministration: @No_10 Nevermind.

28th November - 4.29pm GMT

No_10: @TheAdministration @Kremlin @TheInscrutiblePRC OK, folks. These leaks make us all look bad. It’s PR Damage Limitation time. What we need to do is have a full and frank discussion with ourselves individually and consider the inconsiderable.

Kremlin: @No_10 @TheInscrutiblePRC @TheAdministration Balls to that. The time has come to act. These leaky fuckjugs have us all by the Mensheviks! To quell this tide, we must start killing people with umbrellas again. This is not so good for big business. This is only good for umbrella business.

TheInscrutiblePRC: @TheAdministration @No_10 @Kremlin Hey guys, watch this: BAM! hehehe

Wikileaks: UPDATE: Wikileaks server taken out by Denial of Service Attack originating from a server in China. #EVILCUNTSGATE

TheAdministration: @TheInscrutiblePRC Niiiiice lol :D

29th November – 7.50am GMT

Wikileaks: REVEALED: US Ambassador ordered by Washington to blank North Korea in the corridor at the UN and spread rumours in the canteen about Iran's internet explorer browsing history. #EVILCUNTSGATE

TehranasaurusRex: @Wikileaks Yeah. “Rumours” XD

NKoreaBadBoys1948: @TheAdministration The Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea finds all this deception disgusting. The mask has slipped and you are finally revealed for the duplicitous, corrupt imperialists that you are.

TheAdministration: @NKoreaBadBoys1948 Cram a cake in it North Korea. At least when we're lying, it's for honest reasons.

TheInscrutiblePRC: @NKoreaBadBoys1948 Yeah, give it a rest for once, North Korea.

29th November – 9.12am GMT

Wikileaks: REVEALED: The US has “no intention” of dismantling Guantanemo Bay and amending rendition practices - they’ve even had a secret underground 12-screen Cineplex installed; Abu Ghraib has been sold to a property developer to be converted into a theme park.

TheAdministration: @No_10 Shucks, there go my vacation plans. I was looking forward to having my photo taken with Lynndie England.

29th November – 9.48am GMT

Wikileaks: REVEALED: The “aid” in the US/North Korea “Nukes-4-Aid” disarmament program, is the final two seasons of Friends on DVD #EVILCUNTSGATE

NKoreaBadBoys1948: @TheAdministration Fantastic. Now we will never discover if Rachel and Joey “get it on”. Western Jizzhounds! You shall all taste my steel! :(

TheAdministration: @NKoreaBadBoys1948 You’ve been saying that for decades, North Korea. Time to put your money where your mouth is…. Oh yeah. You don’t have any because of all our sanctions. Pwned.

BanKiMoon: @TheAdministration @NKoreaBadBoys1948 Come on, there’s no need for this squabbling. Everybody basically wants the same thing. And anyway, the international community is agreed that Friends really went downhill in the last two seasons. International condemnation of Joey is probably greater still.

TheAdministration: @BanKiMoon Get lost, Ban Ki-moon. Don’t forget who the real Captain Fuck-You is around these parts. Annan knew the score, too.

KofiAndKream: @TheAdministration (Direct Message) Don’t drag me into this, babes x

29th November – 10.11am GMT

Wikileaks: REVEALED: 11,500-strong US diplomatic service an extension of US intelligence efforts to gather biometric data: arseprints of terrorist suspects and crude pencil rubbings of Hamas genitalia all harvested and kept for “private analysis” by Hilary Clinton.

Wikileaks: @NYT @Guardian @LeFigaro @DerSpiegel @LeMonde @LePais The Clintons are at it again. No smoke without fire, eh? lol

TheAdministration: @No_10 This could have been a lot worse. At least no-one discovered the truth about @JustinBieber

JustinBieber: @TheAdministration Hi! Thanks for the link to my page. Download my new single from iTunes and signup with MySpace to watch an exclusive interview! Thx, JBeebs xxxxx

TheAdministration: @JustinBieber I’m having problems decyphering your last transmission, Agent Nubile. Do not break cover again… And definitely do not ILL-KAY ASTRO-CAY ;)

29th November – 12.01am GMT

Wikileaks: REVEALED: UK forces in Afghanistan “severely hampered” by “lack of basic technological prowess.”

No_10: @TheAdministration I think I’m getting the hang of this Twitter lark now. Besides, someone just volunteered to help me set up my profile.

29th November – 12.04am GMT

No_10: PENIS ENLARGEMENT/MAIL ORDER VIAGRA - 100% REAL RESULTS GUARENTEED. CLICK HERE http://ie.grlyt.za

TheAdministration: @Kremlin @TheInscrutiblePRC I think we just lost the Brits.

***End of Leaking***