Last Kindergarten Terminator: End of Judgement Days

A size-12 carbon-footprint may soon be well and truly stamped on some perspiring G20 ass cheeks. Schwarzenegger, the actor-turned-politician made famous by celluloid treasures Red Sonja, The Sixth Day, Last Action Hero and End of Days, recently announced that following his role as governor for California, he is considering lobbying for the green movement - a move which has prompted green groups to suggest that “the Day of the Merciless Shrub has befallen us.”

Some commentators have drawn ironic parallels with the plot of Terminator 2, in which a violent tool of mankind’s repression and ultimate oblivion switches sides and joins the fight for survival; other commentators have yet to see that particular film, but promise to rent it on BluRay to get the reference, as well as the bonus “Making Of” featurette and interactive menus.

It’s self-evident that “Arnold” - for ‘tis the brawny beast’s unlikely name - would be missing a trick if he didn’t release a boxset of his classic films re-dubbed to push the green agenda.

So in the Terminator films, after Arnold pounds a bar full of 80s bikers into bone-crunching submission, he could bark: “I need your clothes, your boots and your *low-emission hybrid vehicle*” before stabbing everyone’s faces off with a recycled beer bottle.

Or when John Connor cautiously assesses him in a brief let-up from the violence, the killing machine flatly boasts: “My exoskeleton is constructed from a *bio-degradable hemp* alloy” and then explains how in the future, cyborgs have learned to pocket-mulch the rotting flesh of dead resistance fighters for a workable compost.

In some scenes he simply dispenses practical eco-friendly building advice: “I’ll be back *to insulate your wall cavities with cladding, economizing your property’s fuel consumption and lowering your household bills*”

In others he makes grand gestures of green defiance, like the mind-boggled Martian freedom fighter Doug Quaid in the newly revamped Total Recall: “Give these people *clean* air!”

Given the atrocities recently committed in the name of updating cinematic trilogies, a bit of contemporary relevance might even rejuvenate the tarnished reputation of the remake. Below are some broader possibilities for this emerging genre:

It’s a Wonderful Assisted Death – Suicidal George Bailey is gently eased into a world where he never lived by his Dignitas-approved guardian angel. He changes his mind at the very end and decides he wants to live; but God tells him the process is too late to reverse unless he wants to end up, like, brain-damaged, or whatever.

Genetic Park – Months of painstaking retouching of heavy-handed promethean parable Jurassic Park, sees all the dinosaurs digitally replaced with controversial genetically-modified foods. The sight of Bob Peck being torn apart by a vicious pack of GM soybeans is worth crossing the picket line for alone.

What-A-World! – Despite all the mounting scientific evidence stating the negative impact on the world, despite all the international condemnation of negligent industrial practices that pump out unbearable levels of toxic bilge annually, despite all the proof of perfectly acceptable alternatives to making a film with Kevin Costner, Hollywood will not be convinced to hold back on a remake of Waterworld and the plot will be even more waterlogged than the original. Even the fan of the original (yes, singular) will flush it.

Gosford Park – In a balls to the wall Orwellian allegory on statism, a crack squad of National Heritage commandos annexes a stately home and places it at the mercy of ticketed admission to the general public, who get their sticky fingers all over the upholstery and stand around incorrectly stating what period the architecture belongs to, thus rewriting all human history. Truly terrifying.

Look Who Could’ve Been Talking, Until You Murdered Your Unborn Baby – Bruce Willis provides the voice for a hero with the briefest of wise-cracking adventures.