Open Letter To A Seductress Spammer

‘dont take me as another weird psycho or creeper female, but your profilepics are hot im interested in a new friend my windowslive names madison21lily@hotmail.com just talk on there further please because this is my work e-mail, ill be on that msn name all night though. // CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: The materials enclosed are private and confidential and are the property of the sender. The information contained in this material is privileged and is intended only for the use of the individual(s) or entity(ies) named above. If you are not the intended recipient, be advised that any unauthorized disclosure, copying, distribution, or the taking of any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited’

Dear Author of the Above,

On a preamble through my Hotmail junk folder to locate a legitimate medication order I made some time ago, I stumbled across your email. I was entraptured. I found myself compelled to write an open letter in response. I may be reading too much into it, but I detect a subtext in the cold, deliberate prose in which it is written and I think it warrants a forensic analysis. Here is my considered response:

Don’t take me as another weird psycho or creeper female

Good strong opening! You’ve nailed your colours to the mast at the outset and that’s a good strategy when meeting new people. My initial response would be to think that you are precisely another weird psycho or creeper female, but by introducing the possibility of the opposite position from the outset and therefore undermining it, you’ve torn up my prejudices with a sound surgical strike of rhetoric. My diary will forever read that today, Tuesday 8th February 2011, you had me at Don't take me as another weird psycho or creeper female, you had me hook, line and sinker. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Please - continue.

But your profilepics are hot im in interested in a new friend

I think this sentence is sending mixed messages. Do you toy with me, woman? You say you’ve seen my profilepics and you view them as hot (and God knows, if it’s that one of me with the traffic cone and my mother’s vomit-stained Sunday dress, I’m damn flattered), but then you coldly state you’re only seeking a new friend. Why the change of heart? Can I do something to amend this? Please forgive me, I can amend my ways (perhaps if I send you my banking details, it will prove that I'm serious about this relationship?)

My windowslive names madison21lily@hotmail.com

Finally – a name! Madison... Madison... Madison.... Lily... Lily... Lily... My dear Maddening Maddy, my sweet Lilting Lily, mi amore. Never before has the a windowslive username stirred such passion in my loins. The seraphim of heaven are singing and the word on their divine lips is Madison21Lily@hotmail.com. I can imagine you now, 21 years old perhaps, sitting at your computer and logging into your hotmail account, closing those pesky pop-ups that cause us sensitive souls such relentless ennui, looking at my photos and thinking “He’s hot.” Never before were two souls more entwined by such (probable) shared interests. How poetic that we have never met or even had a conversation before.

Just talk on there further because this is my work email

Yes – indiscretion, of course. I hadn’t considered that you may already be betrothed, presumably beyond your will, to some anaemic local boy who wants to put his sticky hands all over your body and possess you. I must fight back tears of murderous jealousy and know that, as he does, you will be thinking of my hot profilepics as a way to endure his adolescent fumblings.

My parents attempted to manufacture an arranged marriage once with myself and the pig-faced daughter of a carbonated drinks industrialist (for a dowry, he offered a year’s supply of Panda Cola, but after a nasty fall and a knock to the head, my father came to believe bubbles in non-alcoholic beverages were the work of Satan and called it off – dodged the bullet there!).

My darling, our love can overcome this. Of course - I will follow your lead and talk on there further because this is your work email. Now that I come to think of it - what is your job?

ill be on that msn name all night though

You work at night? What normal person works at night? My God – have I fallen for a woman of ill-repute? A garden-variety whore? Perhaps your lily is blooming for other men’s hot profilepics too? You fill me with loathing and pity. My heart will never love again. We had it all, Madison. We had our own paradise. And you tossed it away for a few grubby coins - your earnings - dropped in the gutter for you by your boozed-up clientele. I cannot bring myself to look at you (literally, I don’t know where you live).

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: The materials enclosed are private and confidential and are the property of the sender. The information contained in this material is privileged and is intended only for the use of the individual(s) or entity(ies) named above. If you are not the intended recipient, be advised that any unauthorized disclosure, copying, distribution, or the taking of any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited

Could we not keep the courts out of this? Don’t worry about silencing me, I intend to forget our torrid little affair ever happened. Or maybe this was where it was heading all along! I knew I shouldn’t have signed that pre-nup before I’d even met you! Bah! Accursed hussy! You cannot hide behind your legalese forever, you creeper female! I should have realised you were just like all the other weird psychos.

There is no other way out – this is it! I intend to jump off London Bridge at midnight, taking my hotprofile pics with me forever. If you have an ounce of decency you’ll try and stop me. If you don’t, I’ll assume you never loved me to begin with and jump to my waterlogged death. Goodbye cruel, tempestuous Madison21Lily@hotmail.com!!!

Of course, if you aren’t based in the UK you won’t make it in time. So actually, I’m not going to do it now. And thinking about it, you probably don't exist anyway.

You cow.

Yours Insincerely,

LovelornProfessorUK@hotmail.com